Health Continued
HEALTH PT. 2.2
:::
I had lost ALL #Hope #Faith in many parts of my #Life during those first treatments. I always wanted to stay #Invincible for my #Mom #Family #Friends and whooo... #ManTears are a #Streaming #ImSuchAFuckingBabyInTheseChaptersSorry. I just wanted it all to go the fuck away and that came out in many lyrics that I wrote while getting my #SixteenTreatmentsOfChemotherapy at #ChildrensMercyKansasCityMissouri …
There is no cure for SLE. It is treated with #Immunosuppression, mainly with #Cyclophosphamide aka #Cytoxan #Corticosteroids and other #Immunosuppressants. SLE can be #Fatal. The leading cause of death is from #CardiovascularDisease due to #Accelerated #Atherosclerosis. Survival for people with SLE in the United States, Canada, and Europe has risen to approximately 95% #FiveYears, 90% at #TenYears, 78% at #TwentyYears
Its 10:10PM when I read #ThereIsNoCureForSLE. I have been staring at my screen for over #TwentySixMinutes. Its now 10:36PM of December 13th 2013. #YesiHaveHadToDoThisChapterInSections #MyHeartIsHeavyAndStruggling
Shit, man … Ahhh, ok. I don't know how to write this without ... making this ... #Fuck #HandsAreShaking #TeethChattering #MyHeartIsDropping #StomachTurning.
Okay, here we go. I remember over hearing my #PediatricRheumataologist telling my mom to watch me very, #VERYClosely #Carefully, because I could #CommitSuicide over this disease with all of the body changes at such a young age. It was more common than not that teens would do this.
" FatherYoureTooLate
MyFaithIsWeak
SoWon'tYou
SaveYourHalfHearted
Speech":::
#SorryMom
Well, the doctor was ... was #Right. Everything in my Life started out as #Simmers then went to #BoilingOver #Evaporating before my eyes within a year. I had just met the #Love of my #AdolescentLife #Romeo+Juliet relationship, had lost my #Virginity to her. Rumors flew, everyone was involved that didn't need to be, because of my parents #Hierarchy in the church at the time. I then was then #Disfellowshipped from my church, and was told I could never see my #Love ever again. On top of you know, all of the #FuckingHealth #LifeAltering changes #FullBlown at its peak. #ZeroToABillionRealQuick.
We would sneak out, and see each other, and we had to be #SuperFuckingClever, as I did not have a car and neither did she at the time. I used my parents van, and she would hitch rides with friends. If that was not hard enough, it did not help that she lived #FortyFiveFuckingMinutesAwayEither. It was like she was in a different world. We were the #EnviousCouple at all of the church dances, our chemistry was #FairyTale like. Everything that a #DisneyMovie would portray and more.
It was my #SeventeenthBirthday and I tried to be full of life and not let anything slow me down, even though my #Empire and #Quest was crumbling. I threw a #MurderMysteryParty and pleaded with her #Parents #Bishop for her to attend. They said No, my parents even tried calling and explaining that they would be there and so on. I almost wanted to cancel my party if she was NOT going to be there. She was my #Princess and I her #Prince.
I felt #Abandoned by everyone. I pleaded to God and no amount of struggle availed me, even to the last second of hope, right before my #MurderMystery. For the first time in my life everything was #Hypocritical. I felt #OutCastedByGod #ByMyLife
I tried, I tried to #Live for everyone, but it wasn't enough. One night, I had lost it all. I had #LostALLHope. What was left? My shitty fucking body? My parents and everyone slowly watching me die? I could … #WhoaThisIsHardToWrite #NoOneInTheirRightMindWouldAskSomeoneTheirPrequelOfSuicide #ForTheBookForThePeople
*** NOT ONE Portrayed in Story. Minus the scar with the peeling. Most all other ones were there *** // Nephrectomy Shown (Different Story).....
I could not look myself in my #Mirror. I would stare at #MyScars #TouchThem #Feel how different they were from my #NormalSkin. They just kept becoming #Longer #Wider #Deeper #Elastic. I would #SilentlyCry in my #Room #Bathroom #Anywhere #iWasAnExpertAtThisNow. I felt no one would #EverEverLoveMeAgain, especially in this state of my life. #iWasTheArrowShotStraightToHell ... > > > > >
My mother yelled at me from the bottom of the stairs, to come eat dinner. I did not really feel like it as I had planned out how I was going to do this weeks earlier. I came down anyways, I just looked at my family and started to cry, as I looked up at them for the what would be my last time. I asked to be excused from the table as I left, I glanced back at them one more time. I told them I was going to go to sleep for #QuiteAwhile as I was tired.
I slowly went up the stairs as I felt like it was my #StairwayToHeavenOrHell. Consequently, I told myself I did not want to have any music playing as I did this #UnspeakableAct. The main reason was I did not want the artist that had no control over the situation to be associated with it. I believe because, earlier a boy had sadly hung himself while listening to #AdamsSong by #Blink182. Since, then and to this day I can't listen to that song, because of that.
Interestingly, enough I am #Editing this chapter the same day that my brother #Kenny had taken his life #FiveYears previously. #LoveYouKenny #MyStomachIsInKnots #IveNeverToldAnyoneTheWholeStoryOfThis
I reach to turn my doorknob. Its #ColdAsIce. I walk over to my bed, get down on the ground and reach to the farthest corner and grab a black shoe box. In it was a #Gun I had obtained from someone. I sat on my bed sitting #IndianStyle with the gun in the middle of my bed. I'm staring at it, it was still wrapped up in a dish cloth. It was probably 11 to 12 AM. I strip down to #Nakedness. Feeling that if I came before God with out clothes on he would see my #Scars #Pain #Disfigurements and maybe, just maybe, he would let me in, take pity on me. He would understand, or maybe the Devil would.
I take another look at my scars in the mirror. I began to break down, I go over to my bed, unwrap the gun. Its #Colder than anything I've ever felt, so heavy. I look at it one last time, knowing that if I did this I would be going to Hell. I did not fucking care at this point. I was so alone. I picked it up, put it to my #Temple. I … I closed my eyes for the last time, #TearsAreFlooding. #iPulledTheTrigger. To my dismay it jammed. #ItFuckingJammed! I open the chamber and the bullet is resting #Halfway. I threw it across my floor and #iCriedForHours. I wanted so much for my #TimeOfDeathToBeAtTheScene.
I then called a very close friend and told them how much they meant to me. It was late and she listened. I did not tell her what I had just tried to do though. She could tell in my voice I needed #Closure #AnEar. So she sang to me one of my favorite #NysncSongs, then told me whatever it was that #iCouldGetThroughIt, and if anybody could it would be me. From that moment on, I knew. #iKNEW. I was meant to #BeHereForAReason. I was meant to do a #HugeCalling, not knowing what it was, but knowing that I was loved, I was #SomethingInTheSightOfAHigherPower. From that moment on everything changed, it had to.